My hand turned me down
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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