I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
