Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
