Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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