I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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