remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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