the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
