I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
