I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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