She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
