Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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