When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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