When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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