I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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