last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
