I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
