I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
