I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you win again, gameday.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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