I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
