i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
