This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
