Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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