im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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