i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
