Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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