They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
