I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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