went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
