he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
