I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
