So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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