Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
bring money and cleavage
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
