Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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