Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
