I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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