I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
