apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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