Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
