I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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