i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
