guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm passing your future prison.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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