Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
