I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
