Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
