Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
