Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
