you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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