There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
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