OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
