Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
