I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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