Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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