Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
