I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
