i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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