I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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