I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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