i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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